What do I want? I've been asking myself this for the past few months now and I still have no answers to that. For a momentary blurness here, I'm talking about what do I want in a relationship. A part of my misses my relationship that I used to have.

Don't get me wrong here. i don't miss my ex (and really I don't. I mean it). i just miss that kind of relationship that we had. The stable kind. The kind well when you're with the other person, you just feel safe and belonged. The kinda where you know it in your feelings that it will go beyond then that average bf/gf relationship into something more (well, at least for me I guess. I was in a delusion that we had something more when I was with him). And a part of me, I'm afraid of getting hurt again. You know how some people will say that you can feel pain in your heart when it's 'breaking'. Well, I used to think that is not possible but I wrong. I felt like there where a knife piercing my heart over and over again until I couldn't breath that I thought I would just collapse into a stroke. And now I'm afraid of open up again.

There is this guy that I've been casually seeing so far. He has been with me when I was heart broken. He helped me picked up the pieces and and helped me to mend it. He just came in through the door that was left open and helped me though in the past few months. I am grateful (really, I am) but yet, I'm still afraid to open up to him. He is an average guy. He walks and talks like..... an average guy. He is a nice guy after all the things he has done for me, not just the ones I mentions. And yet, I can't open myself up to let him in. To learn to love another again. I'm really scare that I do that again. I'll get hurt again. And this time I may not make it through.

Also, do I want a guy who prefers to spend his afternoon sleeping at home then sparing just a couple of hours (max 4-5 hours, I promised and that includes traveling and lunch time) to accompany me to look for my annual dinner dress. It's not like I'm asking for a full day of mindless window shopping. I really liked to get his opinion on the dress that I might buy. Not only that, I even suggested to go somewhere near instead of the mall that I wanted to go since he is suppose to have a wedding dinner to attend to later in the evening. Moreover, I was hoping that it could be out 'first date' after so long. We have been going out in the weekends quite frequently but never just two of us. Always there will be others. I just would like to have a normal average date like a normal 'couple' have that have movies and all that. Sigh.... maybe we're just not meant to be?