"I know I was stupid."

This is what I have to say when I meet long lost friends and new found friends nowadays. To what questions is this answer for?

Now that would be, why I didn't just stay in UK when I finished my degree or go to Singapore to work when I first came back.

Yes yes I know already. I was stupid. To do all that for a guy. I'm paying for it now, aren't I? Throwing away all that I've planned all my life for one guy. Someone who didn't aprreciates and just "throw" me away without even a blink.

I know. I learned. Starting from scratch now to get back to where I planned to be a long time ago. Thankz for all the support you guys.

To all the guys who fit into this.
And to the gals who have someone like this.
Appreciate
(P/S: I think this can change to she/her instead of he/him. Still fits.)

Guys...
Realise that the girl holding onto u..
Is PERFECT in her own special way.

The way she laughs..
The way she sleeps..
The way she loves you..
The way she tries to please you...

Always remember that.

She can always get up and walk away,
Getting someone else who can love her more.
(They ( not all ) run away from guilt or finding their so called happiness)

For all you know,
There is someone out there wooing her already,
But she is rejecting,
(Rejecting is not enough, ignorance ought to be better in this case, since she loves u so much)
A maybe perfect love for her..
(Perfect? bullshite, ain't such thing as perfect in this world)

There might also be someone out there..
Who is willing to love her more than you are loving her now,
Fulfil her every need and love her as much as she loves you.
( But the usual problem is that he loves her more than she loves him, and is always open to more possibilities of another acquaintance)

Understand that.

Imagine this, guys.
When you are holding her today...
And then you cheat on her by hugging
And kissing another gal.
And then you run back to her...
And u do the same....
But you see love in her eyes...
What do you think?
Do you feel the hurt?
Can you feel the guilt?
(How about vice versa?)

She loves you not because you are
Good looking,
Have money,
Buy her things,
Make her parents happy,
Or that you have a car.
(What makes u think so?)

She loves you for who you are.
Your every touch, every word you say,
Everything you do.
(Not all guys like girls for their looks too!)

Guys.
Cherish and appreciate your girl.
(I know lotsa ppl so do so)
Don't break her fragile heart.
(U Think guy's heart ain't fragile?)
She is the only one who can love you that way. (Is She?)
You won't wanna regret letting go of that special girl you have.
(How about her... will she regret?)

For everything she has done for you,
(How about everything that i have done for her?!)
The least you can do is to give her unconditional love
As she has given to you.
(Define unconditional? Able to accept her being with u and another person at the same time?!)

Something I found in Friendster that was posted back my Kor. Everything shaded in grey are his thoughts and I didn't want to erase them when I post it here. His last words at the end are:-

PS. Sorry if i have offended anyone in this edit, just my Thoughts!

And my last words as someone that her heart has been crushed by the same person who thought her how to love, to this are:-

Easier said then done. Nothing in life is prefect even when you think is prefect. The prefect guy can change when it suited his needs especially so when he has found someone new and you are just a hindrance for him to go on.

I lost someone I love and gained another ex to my list. Then I gain a friend back or so I thought. And now the same friend has reduce himself to be just a MSN friend. I'm not doing so well in having people around me. Especially people I dated. Which makes me wonder why. Am I such a horrible person to be with? And why must both guys upon breaking up with me regardless of who said what first, start smoking like a bloody chimney? And now I have a chance to start something new with someone different but I'm afraid.

The one who has reduces himself as just an online friend said this to me. He said that I can't be alone and that I jump from one to another. Tho what he said is true but is it that wrong to want someone by my side? Someone whom I can lean on when I need a shoulder to lean on? Someone I can call my own and that I know he's there for me as I am for him? Well, this wasn't his main point of lecturing me. Whatever he was trying to say to me, I really wished he had change his mind set and not like himself the last time. He should really get his facts and truth right first before saying anything. No, I'm not mad at him tho I was initially but am not now. Just thought he had change at least a little after all this time. Don't go shooting people and ask questions later.

Then the love that I lost and the ex that I gained thought me this. To love. He thought me to love and I did but he took that away from me without a proper explanation. To me now he is just a coward and a bona fide bastard (which I would never thought that he is last time). But he took something else away from me too. He took my hope and trust. Now I'm back to my old self again. Someone who don't believe in love and afraid to love. 

I know I'm selfish and bad in the sense where I should give the new guy an answer anytime soon, after dragging for nearly more then a month. I'm afraid of getting hurt again more then I'm afraid of hurting him. I dare not put myself in a situation where I can fall and break myself again. Putting myself back together since the break up has been hard. Even now I still see cracks and the lines are visible. Once broken and it will never be the same again.

How should start this... Right... It started when I was talking to my brother... It was my brother who hit me with my temper problem early this year... Which I tried controlling and changing (but somehow I'm surrounded by people who just can't make up their mind which irks me or people who irritates me most of the time) Somehow my attitude adjustment didn't help because the more I hold everything in the more explosive I get when I can't contain them anymore and in the end I get blamed for not controlling them. People just don't understand how hard is it for someone to change when the environment isn't much of a help. Ah well... their lost not mine... Hehehe...

Anyway, apart from that, I learnt something new about my temper through my brother the other day. He said my temper is like my dad (now I know where I got them). My temper is the explosive kind, where i will just blow up and then calm down after awhile as if nothing happened. I agree with him about that. No one outside family (I guess) knows that I'm like that. Tried as I may, to tell them to just leave me alone after I blow up, and yet none take my advice seriously and continue to 'calm me down' as best possible way as they can think of. So the more they do that, the harder for me to cool down. Because I just get more frustrated. Ego has nothing to do with it. Thats just how I work out my anger. Blowing up. Getting it out of my system. Then calm down. Smile like nothing happened.

I've been a very good gal tho... Haven't been blowing up as often as I did the last time. Maybe because I don't have people to frustrate me nowadays. I just have my parents which nothing new. Office I just take it as normal by telling myself repeatedly that I'm leaving soon so sod it just soak it in (Tho I nearly cried in office last Tuesday (15/5) because I wasn't up to my usual barrier then) Oh and of course on Thursday, I swear and cursed profusely after I found out I was stuck in traffic for a reason that is ridiculous. The accident happened has nothing whatsoever got to do with my side of the road but the other side and the bloody nosey drivers from my side just had to slow down to look. Bloody idiots.

Well... I've release my anger here and here I go back to normal me waiting anxiously for my time to move to come...

Today really crazy... or should I say yesterday... Had dinner with colleagues and ex-colleagues in Shogun 1U. Well, the place is not so 'WOW' as I excepted. But it was okay. Very full... And I'm still full now.... Hehehe... Then we decided to go for karaoke since my yumcha date cancelled... Hehehe... really siao man... Sing until no voice already.... Still it was fun... Never been able to go karaoke the last time... And now I'm going like crazy... And this is the first time I'm back home at 2.30 in the morning... Hehehe... On a work night no less... Though tomorrow is a holiday for me... I'm ready to sleep... Tired... Another early morning for me... Need to go to PJ then head to MidValley.