Thursday, September 18, 2008
A little history lesson on this site. I started this blog when I was learning to love 4 years ago and learnt love after that. Then I lost love last year and now I learnt that love can not be forced.
Recently I broke up with someone whom I thought I wouldn't mind spending my life with. But things changed and I changed. I was made to be aware that I've been deluding myself all this while. I thought I like or maybe possibly love that person but once there were options, I started looking at them. For me to be able to do this, I think I didn't really love that person after all. That's my logic anyway.
I won't lie and said I don't care about the person which I do, really. Just not enough for me to lie and tell myself that I should settle for this guy just in case another won't come along. This I think is unfair to the guy. I think it's unfair for me to lie to him as well as to myself and spend our lives together regretting about things that we could have done and should have done.
Sigh... Breaking up is hard to do (reminds me of the song). I know it hurts him because I've been in that situation one year ago. No one should go through it if it can be avoided. Call me selfish I don't care. I just think it's not fair to drag him along when I'm not ready to commit my life to a guy. To one guy. To bear my heart and soul to. To give him my life. I did that once and it hurts when it didn't worked out. It's better to hurt him now then to hurt him later when it's too late.
I cried. I cried when I said to break up and I cried after I said it. And I still cry now. I know it is the right thing to do. To break up now and not drag him around, giving false hope. If it's the right thing to do, why do I feel bad inside? It felt like a void has been created and I have no idea how to close it. A friend said this to me though. He said that is good that I'm crying because of this. Reason being is that if I didn't then it would mean that the time we had together hadn't mean a thing to me and at some point, maybe, just maybe, I loved him. My sister said the same thing too. I don't about that but right now, every once in a while, I'll be in that mood again. The sad and depressing mood. I guess I have to live with it.
Also I don't think that we might be right for each other. I'm friendly (and unconsciously flirty at times) with people. And this causes jealousy and insecurities with him. But I don think that insecurities can be cure by trust. If he trusted me, he wouldn't feel insecure that I would leave him. I put trust in a relationship as the most important thing. I can't be with someone who don't trust me to know my limts. Being friendly to people shouldn't be a reason why I should stop talking to people.
I hate it as well when he put up with me too much. I rather that we quarrel and argue (or even shout at each other if need be) about things. Just because he doesn't like to argue, doesn't mean he just suck up everything and let me have my way. Get some balls man.
Also I hate it when he thinks that I can't take care of myself. When I say that, I meant taking care of myself emotionally. If I don't like something that he is doing but I know is the right thing to do, I'll suck it up and deal with it. I don't need him going around on my every whim and needs. I don't want him to do all that and eventually when we argue, all that discontentments on these 'sacrifices' are brought up as 'ammo'. No offence to the guys out there, but I know some guys are really pissy bastards. They make a choice to do something and when things don't go their way, they bring up past made choices as ammo to say things like 'I can't believe I did that for YOU.' and something like 'YOU did nothing for me. I did everything for YOU.'. It's as if, a reward must be given whenever they make a choice to do something. And I'm not saying I'm not appreciative to what he did but I don't think 'sacrifices' made should be brought up anytime anywhere when there is an arguments. Make a choice and live with it.
All in all, it has ended. Me being sad and slightly depress can not help me at all. And I'm pretty sure some don't believe that I'm actually sad or depress. Well, I don't care what you think. I've been called a bitch before so it doesn't matter what they think as long as I know what I'm doing. I just hope he is doing fine.
Oh and this would be my last entry here. I have decided that this is the most appropriate time to close/ignore this account and start a new one. A new beginning. Thanks for reading or dropping by for whichever reason that you are here for. See you at the new home.
Posted at 09:14 pm by RuiYan
