How come whenever you need someone to be by your side on a down day, they never seem to be available? And why is it if you were to wake up feeling like crap, you'll have that crappy feeling the whole day long and nothing seem to go your way? The down side of having very little close friends is that when you need them, they are always busy with something and whichever way you turn, someone will always be too busy to even realize that you might be in the verge of self-destruction. Yup, this is one of my mood swings days. The mood where I feel like crap and nothing in the world seems to go right. To the point that I really feel like killing myself. And yes, that too. I'm the self-destructive kind of person. I get by the day thinking ways of ending myself the fastest and painless way. But then there is never a painless way. The fastest way seems to be the most painful way. For now I figure I like to die in my sleep. Sleeping pills would be my option.

But well, all that is just another mindless and crappy days thoughts for me. Most of the time I just sit around to read and play games. But hurting myself is not something new to me. I actually take pain as a form of anger management for me. When I'm angry, I hurt myself. Mostly, punching my bedroom walls for relieve. The more pain I feel the less angry I get. Weird I know. But at least I don't go punching people. I used to stopped doing that because of a promise I made to someone but since the same person broke his promise as well as my heart, I figure my promise no longer stand. I get hurt myself as much as I like.

Friends are never help actually. They seems to be there when you don't need them and never there when you do. I treasure my friends a lot and would do almost anything for them but sometimes I don't think they realize how much important they are to me. And that kinda make me feel taken for granted. But the friends are never forever. I realize that now. If a friend can get pissed at you for being late to pick her up or unintentionally left her out on a trip (which was a very last minute thing where I only decided 2 hours before departure and there were only one seat left. What am I suppose to do?), I just got to rethink how much of a friend does she take me for? I stood by her in everything from family problems to the minor things. So for such little things, she can get pissed at me. Well, maybe I wasn't as much of a friend with as I thought I was. Maybe I'm not a nice friend to have. Maybe I'm just meant to be left alone and be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe I am.